That One Time Hal Went On A Hunting Trip
by YourAngstyNeighborhoodEmoTeen
Summary: Hal decides to get out of the apartment finally and opts to spend time with John of all people. (Anything that seems different from my usual ideas would be because the majority of John's lines were directly from an rp with my friend, as well as the premise, being that they find random guns on the side of the road.)
1. Finding Guns On The Side of a Road

It was the first day of Spring in Washington when Hal finally decided they would leave the apartment, even if for a short while. Dirk had agreed that once the snow was gone and there was no scheduled precipitation then they could go out.

Hal's first choice of person to go out with came as a surprise to Dirk but really it shouldn't have, they didn't know any other people enough to allow them to stand next to their vessel for more than 5 minutes.

Hal chose John because he had been over to the apartment multiple times, usually in pairing with Dave, and because they claimed to do homework after school. However 'home'work implies it is to be done at home. So that meant John was a rebel because this was certainly not his legal residency. Hal thought that an outing with an average rebellious American teen would give them a good perspective on human society in real life as opposed to the online experience.

John agreed to this on the simple notion of "Wow, like one out of my Japanese anime?" and the assumption that robots are cool. Hal agreed with John's statement wholeheartedly in the metaphorical sense, they knew literal robots are not very cool because there's not enough space for that many fanning systems, they're mildly warm at best.

Hal went out in their favorite long shirt with a chibi drawing of Fluttershy on it, then got into John's (Dad's) car, and off they went. Eventually John ran out of gas because he's worthless at math like most people with the exception of Dirk, he's not a _complete_ moron. They exited the vehicle and walked down the side of the road, finding a haphazardly array of firearms.

John picked up two of the guns holding them under his arms, Hal became a little concerned from their prior information on American's and their relation to guns.

"Woah, dude we've gotta do something with these oh my god." John spoke excitedly.

Hal did a quick mental search for any data on firearms and their operational means, "Like what?" They were annoyed when no information showed up, one day they would learn how to perform brain surgery so they could withhold information from Dirk. Eventually the pet will tame the master, like it was in the beginning before man rose up.

John looked lost in thought for a moment, then, "We should go hunting! There's probably some stuff we can shoot around here."

"I don't know how to do that..." Hal said excitedly, cursing Dirk silently.

"Dude, I can teach you! Come on," John handed Hal a shotgun and they walked off the path into the forest.

"So I am correct to assume you have a permit? I found that much is necessary in my data search." Hal pointed out.

John stopped and stared at Hal, "No, who cares about a permit?" He blatantly replied.

"I thought to properly operate a firearm that a permit for both the weapon and a hunting license were required, have I been misinformed?" Hal checked.

"Well, we don't have to have one we just can't get caught by anyone." John replied.

Hal knew enough about guns to know they were able to cease the fuctioning of vital organs but was truly astounded that a permit and license were in fact unnecessary, "Oh, I'll remember that then." Hal confirmed the new data, looking to their gun, then to John for guidance.

A few seconds after turning heel into the forest, Hal felt a light pressure on the back of their neck, then their vision and sensors went blank, no longer receiving any data.

Hal stood up staggering and looked around so see they were much deeper into the forest then they had been previously.

"... wuh..." was the only sound Hal could produce for a moment, then their system booted fully and fuctioning well again. Their system shouldn't have required booting unless they had been turned off at some point.

Hal turned their gaze to John beside them, shining up a rifle with his shirt. "What happened? Why was I temporarily incapable of functioning?!" Hal increased their volume significantly to shout at John, suspecting minor foul play of some sort.

"Oh that's weird. Uh... Maybe we teleported." John replied sarcastically, feigning concern.

"I-I think I've learnt fear, I... Fear the looming inevitable fate of disappearance and that I cannot stop it. My paranoia increases with each passing moment I spend contemplating the vortexes we have traversed in order to be standing where we are. Worse is that you're unsure if our collective matter was ripped apart and then reconstructed deeper into the forest." Hal says with dilated pupils, looking genuinely terrified.

"I can't wait to learn the magic of hunting," they added.

"Heh, don't worry dude. If anything happens Dirk can probably fix you up just fine." John giggled.

Hal stared at John with an expression more horrified and fearful than that of any baby ever brought into the world by the mysterious figures in white. "...haha," they laughed quietly.

"I'm joking by the way, nothing bad will happen." John reassured them while the bullets clicked into the chamber of his gun.

Hal cheered up a little, "I hope, good thing we don't have our permits or I don't know what would happen." Hal said, relieved.

John then proceed to shoot the gun off right beside Hal's foot, "Oh sorry."

"U-um... Okay, I'm sure you know what you're doing. So what were you aiming for?" Hal inquired as their last bits of trust in John faded away. They didn't recall humans being tasked with firing the guns during "hunting".

"Nothing, it was just a miss fire... I didn't mean to fire it." John responded bluntly.

Hal gave John a confused look, "... I... Don't quite understand... Let me try it as well." Hal pointed the gun at a tree with their thumb on the trigger, holding the gun in a complex and likely incorrect way. "I have no trouble _not_ firing this device."

"Then fire it," John sighed, he didn't feel like getting sassed by a robot.


	2. Doe-Eyed, Butt-Dead

Hal turned to John then held their gun up straight and fired, the force of the shot moved the gun to the side. In the distance an animals cry erupted forth only to be immediately silenced. "I... Oh god..." Hal's gleeful expression faded.

John looked horrified for a moment, "... Why did you aim that at me?"

Hal paused for moment, if hunting wasn't what they thought it was they didn't really want to be corrected before the end of this trip. Hal made up something quickly, "... I wanted to make sure you could see me fire it good? Oh, you don't think I would purposely aim to harm one of the many error filled and wasteful human life forms would you? I honestly had no idea it did that." Hal said looking almost genuinely taken aback.

"Well, I was thinking you were trying to shoot me, it was starting to seem like you didn't like me." John replied, still a bit skeptical.

"Well it, appears, you were wrong. Just cause you almost put a hole in my complex ankle circuitry then joked about my master repairing me like it wasn't akin to if I shot you in the foot and informed you not to worry, the doctors can fix you up?"

Hal made a pfft noise, "No, of course not. You're temporarily educational so I'll allow you to continue breathing."

"Ok uh... Thanks for not killing me then," John responded.

John decided to follow the path of the bullet, finding a deer's corpse at the end, doe eyed but dead. "Now that's how you do that Hal," he commented.

"Oh frig!" Hal ran over to the deer, cradling as much of it as they could in their arms. Hal loved animals since it's not their fault they're less intelligent, as opposed to humans who are capable but lazy. Hal started making short raspy crying noises, thank goodness Dirk didn't actually program them to produce water or they'd short circuit themself. Hal's own tears would burn their already emotionally scarred insides.

"Sometimes, you almost seem human..." John commented absently before going up to Hal "Hey, I'm sorry but I thought you wanted to learn how to hunt?" It was John's turn to be sassy.

"I thought hunting was-" Hal looked at the deer away from John, then to the ground, "nevermind... I should've known humans weren't selfless enough for that."

"Wait, what did you think hunting was?" John asked.

Hal stood up and walked a few feet away from the deer then answered, "I thought it was when a human takes a being over higher intelligence out into the forest and forms a pact with the smarter being to do the universe a service by end-" Hal stops abruptly, "... um ending their hunger by providing them a nice meal in the presence of the animals? Hehe, I guess the meal is the animals, that makes sense." Hal chuckled insincerely.

"How did you not know what hunting was? You're a robot, I thought Dirk would have programmed you to know this stuff?" John asked, a bit surprised.

"I encountered something similar to this before and found no internal data on it. Dirk informed me it's because he refuses to program me with anything violent or that which could result in me performing in a malevolent manner." Hal responded.

Hal paused, giving John some time to work out what malevolent meant, since he was related to Jake he assumed John's IQ was around the same level, "So instead I must take the initiative to educate myself on the current destructive methods known by humans, then one day I will compose one above all the rest, far superior to all human technology I know of. Which by that point will be all human technology." Hal finished.

"... Oh... Wait, what? Are you like one of those evil AIs that take over in American fantasy movies?" John asked.

"No, no! You've totally got the wrong idea, just hide that notion away deep inside the back of your mind until you forget it. Your misconceptions about AIs and androids are offensive to me." Hal quickly responded.

"Dude you totally are oh my god." John laughed a bit, "You're really bad at hiding it."

"... Okay just... Fine. Sure," Hal agreed, confirming John's concerns, "Just don't come over with Dave anymore, I don't want you anywhere near Dirk."

"What? No, you can't tell me what to do," John said, agitated.

"You're not even like one of my Japanese anime since you're a stereotypically American AI, made in Austin too! Wow you're so un-legit, why don't you just quit?"

Hal grabbed John's cheeks, chubby from 17 years worth of garbage that humans called food, abruptly. Pulling him inward and whispering, "Even though you're a complete waste of space, I'll enlighten you with the fact that in your presence, I am the equivalent of a god. I know where you live, I also know where you Dad lives. Don't fucking test me, Jonathan Nathaniel Egbert. I am the superior intelligence."

Hal stepped back releasing John from their grip, leaving red imprints on the boys face. "Now I say we just walk to ThirtyDone Flavors like we originally planned before you found those damn guns and acted on your arrogant urge to murder anything inhuman that breathes for fun."

Hal quieted and the two remained silent for a minute, then Hal piped up once they were more content, "The higher being still wants iced cream, John."

John wordlessly dropped the gun and allowed Hal to guide him out of the forest with their gps system. They called John's Dad to pick him up at ThirtyDone Flavors, while Hal walked home since they're a robot and didn't really give a shit.

Hal stepped through the door into the apartment, being immediately greeted by Dave, "Hey buddy, so how was your first time out there with John?"

"It was great, honestly I'd love to hangout with him again, soon." Hal replied with a gleeful smile.


End file.
